How Many Lightbulbs?

Q: How many directors does it take to change a light bulb? 

A1: None. Give a note to the stage manager to fix it! 

A2: 4... no, make that 3... on second thought 4... well, better make it 5, just to be safe. 

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: None. Why do we need another light bulb? 

Q: How many stage managers does it take to change a light bulb? 

A1: I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!! 

A2: It's on my list... it's on my list... 

Q: How many technical directors does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: None. Call the master electrician at home to fix it. 

Q: How many master electricians does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps. It's a props problem. 

Q: How many props masters does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: Light bulb?! When did they even get a lamp? 

Q: How many lighting designers does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: None. Where's my assistant? 

Q: How many theater critics does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

A: All of them - one to be highly critical of the design elements, one to express contempt for the glow of the lamp, one to lambast the interpretation of wattage used, one to critique the performance of the bulb itself, one to recall superb light bulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain, reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep. 

Q: How many audience members does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: Three. One to do it, one to see who's making a call on their cell phone, and another to say, "LOOK ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB." 

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? 

A1: None. Complain to the director at notes. 

A2: None. "Doesn't the stage manager do that?" 

A3: None. They can never find their light.